mandag, april 25, 2011

The Case against Freddy Krueger

Ladies and gentlemen, my opponent, Freddy Krueger, wants you to believe he is a man of integrity. He wants you to believe he is a man of honesty, principles, and moral perspicacity who will enrich Springwood as mayor just as he has enriched our daily lives with his quick wit and infectious laugh. Yet, behind Mr. Krueger's winning smile and attractive campaign promises lurks a fortress of lies. I urge you to consider the following facts about Mr. Krueger before voting in tomorrow's election.

Per town tradition, mayoral candidates have always participated in the Springwood Honey Festival. This year, Mr. Krueger offered to run the Kissing Booth. The result was the lowest Kissing Booth revenue by any volunteer since my nephew Ephram. Now as I've explained to you all before, Ephram has a breath problem. Mr. Krueger's poor performance, however, was clearly due to his bad hygiene, shabby clothing, and habit of shooting live maggots out of his eyeballs. Mr. Krueger has also been known to projectile-vomit a viscous, ambergris-like substance, like he did after kissing my nephew Ephram, who isn't gay but was simply curious about the experience of kissing another man, as all young boys his age are.