In Defense Of My Incredible Science

Ladies and gentlemen of the board. Greetings. Mom, Dad, thank you for showing up. Your "We Love You" banner does not come anywhere near the measurements that I specified. Holy shit, you guys. Not even close. Still, your hearts are in the right place, and I reluctantly acknowledge that.

Upon learning that I had been summoned to the International Scientific Methodology Board, my initial reaction was excitement. What an esteemed organization! Such a storied history! There would certainly be complimentary donuts for visitors. That proved to be the case, though a lack of crullers in the shape of DNA helixes tempered my enthusiasm somewhat.

Then the dismay set in. These hearings are assembled when a member of the scientific community has come under investigation. I am not a member of the scientific community.

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